If I am an expert in one thing then I can rightfully claim that I am an expert in writing what is perhaps the most boring and profane damned blog on the face of the planet —- and this is not something that came easy for me —– I have been working on it for at least the past 7 years!
The reason that I am different from the other millions of bloggers on the Internet is that I am more eccentric than most of the rest of them and I have a lot of really outlandish opinions about a lot of things and my opinions are like my blog — they can change on a dime — without notice — at the drop of one of my many ridiculous eccentric whims — and these are talents that are really hard to define or to acquire.
I do it all folks —- I leave comments on other people’s blogs —- I tweet ridiculous crap on Twitter — I have a Facebook page …. I have two different blogs. But I believe I still have the smallest blog audience of anybody who ever set their fingers to a computer keyboard and in my mind that is a real solid noteworthy accomplishment and I am very proud of what I have done and what my limited cadre of a few thousand readers has done for me.
Anybody can do it!
If I can do it anybody can do it!
So if you want to get to that very respectable plateau where you get one or two — perhaps three at the most — comments on your blog that you slave away to write each and every day for 7 or 8 years then you are at the right place to learn the techniques required — just watch me!
One of the big secrets to having a blog as successful as mine is to make sure that you write stuff that everybody has seen somewhere before ….. just don’t ever offer anything new …. if you can remember that simple little detail you can drive people away from your blog in droves …. and I must be a master at this technique because it is working really well for this blog you are now reading ….. unless you have already left the building!
I love telling stories and that is supposed to attract readers by the drove but the stories I tell are either too boring or are too bold, brave, nasty or off-the-wall because I have absolutely no training or education in the art of telling stories and most of my stories are boring as hell.
If you want to be successful in writing a blog that very few people ever bother to come back and revisit and read then I have just divulged to you the first of my many successful techniques. Tell the most boring assed stories you can think of.
The next most successful technique for being a failure as a blogger is to make sure that you talk about a whole shitload of things on your blog rather than focusing on just one niche. For example if you want to blog about politics then make sure to throw in a few stories about how your cat shit down your leg when you were a child and this will turn people off masterfully!
The next best way to screw up a blog and keep a very small reading audience is to write short blog posts rather than long ones. People tend to think of longer posts as being more valuable than short ones and they are more likely to trust the big mouth more than the person who says very little …. so take a clue from what I am saying here and tailor your blog post length to your desires for your blog.
The next best way to turn people off in droves is to offer them something that is either filled with Truth or with common conventional wisdom because people hate hearing the Truth and if you start offering them conventional wisdom about something they have heard it all before and you are going to bore them silly and they are going to delete you as quick as their fingers can hit the delete button …. and this is some exciting stuff isn’t it?
Now just put the techniques I have just shared with you into action and watch your statistics and your daily hits start falling and feel good about yourself because if you can achieve a failed blog then you have set yourself squarely in the company of most of the idiots who start one in the first place — and that puts you squarely in the safe majority where most of the sane world lives their daily lives — and that should be a very comfortable place to be!
That’s where I am and if I can do it anybody can do it!